I'm not a believer in anything spiritual. I don't believe in prophetic visions. I do, however, believe that sometimes things happen that we cannot explain. Not miracles exactly, just little events that happen that we have no idea what caused them.
I remember my mother once telling me a story about how she was visiting a friend who lived in a small house near the beach. When my mother looked out the window, she saw a man jogging down the beach. As she watched this complete stranger whom she had never met before, the only thought that went through her head was, "Someday, I'm going to marry him."
She didn't know where the thought came from, or why she would think that about someone she'd never met before. But, for whatever reason, she felt certain that one day she was going to marry him.
That man was, in fact, my father and they have been married now for almost 37 years. My mother claims that the voice she heard in her head was God. I'm more skeptical about it than she is.
I tell this story to show you why I put so much weight on what comes next.
Here's another story that my mother told me. When I was a baby, one night in particular, my mother was holding me in her arms and rocking me. She heard that same voice in her head again. This time it was about me. The voice told her, "One day, he's going to help people." Ever since she told me that story, I made it my life's goal to fulfill it, but have failed so far. I thought maybe I would help people through the music I was writing, or through the stories I was also writing. Then I thought maybe it was something more obvious like I was destined to be a counselor or something. I even spent a few months taking a Social Service Worker course in college until I realized I hated it and dropped out.
Then, I went through a long depression because I thought that if I can't even help myself, how am I going to help others?
Those words have haunted me for a long time, because I felt that if I didn't do something to help people, I was destroying this hope my mother had for me. It's only recently that I realized that when my mother had her prophecy (for lack of a better word) about my father, neither of them went out of their way to make it happen. It just happened. So, if this prophecy (again, for lack of a better word) about me is going to come true, I need to stop trying to make it happen and just let it happen. If it doesn't, well, it's still a cool story to tell people.
I was thinking about this the other day to show how these words from my mother affected my life. I based major decisions on these words that were told me before I reached junior high. I wish I had the wisdom back then to realize that if it's going to happen, it'll happen without my help and that I should let it be.
Maybe it will happen and maybe it won't, but it's still a cool story to tell.
I love you, mom.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Idols
Over the past few weeks a few people have talked about meeting idols. Some people talked about how they'd like to meet their idols. The others did meet their idol. For some it was a good experience. For others, not so much.
So, since I had the opportunity to meet my idol many years ago, I thought I'd talk about that experience a bit. But first, a bit of back story.
When I was 16, I felt alone in the world. I wasn't a jock, a smart kid, or a pretty boy. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I didn't really have any friends. The only talent I had was music. Music was my life and the only thing I really wanted to do. I had no aspirations to get a "real job". I just wanted to play music.
So, when I was watching some music videos on TV, I came across a video for a song called "Cubically Contained" by the Headstones. For those of you who've never heard of them, they are a Canadian band who released their first album in 1993 and played together until 2003, when they split up. The song was so dreary and depressing, I was able to relate to it. I fell in love with it and bought the album, and then fell in love with every song on that album.
I listened to it over and over again, relating to songs like "Reno", "Picture Frame of Rage," "Pretty Little Death Song." Finally I had discovered that I wasn't alone. There were people who felt the same way I did.
I bought their two previous albums and listened those to death. I'm pretty sure I wore out the tapes eventually. (Yes, I come from the era of the cassette tape).
So, skip ahead three years. I am now in college (for a very brief period of time) and the headstones are slated to play the campus bar, The Wall. Of course, I got tickets.
So, here I am, standing in the back of the bar, buzzed from drinking a lot of beer, and chain smoking while I watch the opening act, Danko Jones. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a tall guy wearing a black trench coat. So, I glance over then turn my attention back to Danko. Then, about a minute later, my alcohol-soaked brain clues in to who is standing next to me. Hugh Dillon.
Hugh Dillon is the former lead singer of the Headstones and current singer of The Hugh Dillon Redemption Choir. He has also acted in the movies Hard Core Logo, Down and Dirty, Trailer Park Boys: The Movie, as well as a few otehrs. He even read for a part in Quentin Tarantino's Jackie Brown, but lost out to Michael Keaton. He starred in a mini-series last year called "Durham County" and is the current star of the Candian television series "Flashpoint."
Now, you must understand, as lead-singer/songwriter of the Headstones, this man was a god to me. This was the guy who was writing all those lyrics I was relating to. And here he was standing two feet away from me. I was awestruck.
So, after summoning all the courage I had (I don't know why I was so nervous. At this point I had already been playing music on stage. As a matter of fact, by this point, the largest gig I had played was in an arena in front of almost 2,000 people). But I was terrified to tell this man how much his music had meant to me. Probably because in his songs and on stage, he didn't seem to be very approachable. He was known for spitting on audience members, as well as throwing lit cigarettes into the croud. He acted like a total asshole on stage.
But, I did manage to summon the courage to walk up to him. And, as best as I can remember, I said, "Man, I am a huge fan. Your music has meant a lot to me over the past few years, and you guys really influenced me as a musician."
Now, I expected him to tell me to fuck off. But he looked at me and said, "Thanks, man. It means a lot to me when I hear that. I really like hearing that my songs help people get through tough times." Then he bought me a beer and went to prepare for his performance.
When the Headstones took the stage, I pushed my way to the front. I was so close I could have reached out and touched Hugh. And during the show, he spit on me.
So, I will now reprint the lyrics of one of my favourite Headstones songs. This is from their first album "Picture of Health" and it's entitled "Cut."
You cut my hand on a razor man like in response to a request
We talked about living
Worried about dying
There's only one move we got left
Well it just goes down forever
Hatred it'll never die
And man you're talking crazy
The whole thing just escapes me
Like a suicide let it ride
I built a dam out of hatred man
Blocking out everything that I knew
I couldn't help thinking as my mind ceased blinking
There must 've been some light that got through
Well it just goes down forever
Hatred it'll never die
And man you're looking nervous
And you claim you don't deserve this like suicide
Let it ride
You cut my hand on a razor man
Smoke a long cold cigarette
We talked about living
Worried about dying
There's only one move we got left
Well it just goes down forever
Rolling down my spine
And man you're looking nervous
And you claim you don't deserve this like suicide
Let it ride
So, since I had the opportunity to meet my idol many years ago, I thought I'd talk about that experience a bit. But first, a bit of back story.
When I was 16, I felt alone in the world. I wasn't a jock, a smart kid, or a pretty boy. I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. I didn't really have any friends. The only talent I had was music. Music was my life and the only thing I really wanted to do. I had no aspirations to get a "real job". I just wanted to play music.
So, when I was watching some music videos on TV, I came across a video for a song called "Cubically Contained" by the Headstones. For those of you who've never heard of them, they are a Canadian band who released their first album in 1993 and played together until 2003, when they split up. The song was so dreary and depressing, I was able to relate to it. I fell in love with it and bought the album, and then fell in love with every song on that album.
I listened to it over and over again, relating to songs like "Reno", "Picture Frame of Rage," "Pretty Little Death Song." Finally I had discovered that I wasn't alone. There were people who felt the same way I did.
I bought their two previous albums and listened those to death. I'm pretty sure I wore out the tapes eventually. (Yes, I come from the era of the cassette tape).
So, skip ahead three years. I am now in college (for a very brief period of time) and the headstones are slated to play the campus bar, The Wall. Of course, I got tickets.
So, here I am, standing in the back of the bar, buzzed from drinking a lot of beer, and chain smoking while I watch the opening act, Danko Jones. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a tall guy wearing a black trench coat. So, I glance over then turn my attention back to Danko. Then, about a minute later, my alcohol-soaked brain clues in to who is standing next to me. Hugh Dillon.
Hugh Dillon is the former lead singer of the Headstones and current singer of The Hugh Dillon Redemption Choir. He has also acted in the movies Hard Core Logo, Down and Dirty, Trailer Park Boys: The Movie, as well as a few otehrs. He even read for a part in Quentin Tarantino's Jackie Brown, but lost out to Michael Keaton. He starred in a mini-series last year called "Durham County" and is the current star of the Candian television series "Flashpoint."
Now, you must understand, as lead-singer/songwriter of the Headstones, this man was a god to me. This was the guy who was writing all those lyrics I was relating to. And here he was standing two feet away from me. I was awestruck.
So, after summoning all the courage I had (I don't know why I was so nervous. At this point I had already been playing music on stage. As a matter of fact, by this point, the largest gig I had played was in an arena in front of almost 2,000 people). But I was terrified to tell this man how much his music had meant to me. Probably because in his songs and on stage, he didn't seem to be very approachable. He was known for spitting on audience members, as well as throwing lit cigarettes into the croud. He acted like a total asshole on stage.
But, I did manage to summon the courage to walk up to him. And, as best as I can remember, I said, "Man, I am a huge fan. Your music has meant a lot to me over the past few years, and you guys really influenced me as a musician."
Now, I expected him to tell me to fuck off. But he looked at me and said, "Thanks, man. It means a lot to me when I hear that. I really like hearing that my songs help people get through tough times." Then he bought me a beer and went to prepare for his performance.
When the Headstones took the stage, I pushed my way to the front. I was so close I could have reached out and touched Hugh. And during the show, he spit on me.
So, I will now reprint the lyrics of one of my favourite Headstones songs. This is from their first album "Picture of Health" and it's entitled "Cut."
You cut my hand on a razor man like in response to a request
We talked about living
Worried about dying
There's only one move we got left
Well it just goes down forever
Hatred it'll never die
And man you're talking crazy
The whole thing just escapes me
Like a suicide let it ride
I built a dam out of hatred man
Blocking out everything that I knew
I couldn't help thinking as my mind ceased blinking
There must 've been some light that got through
Well it just goes down forever
Hatred it'll never die
And man you're looking nervous
And you claim you don't deserve this like suicide
Let it ride
You cut my hand on a razor man
Smoke a long cold cigarette
We talked about living
Worried about dying
There's only one move we got left
Well it just goes down forever
Rolling down my spine
And man you're looking nervous
And you claim you don't deserve this like suicide
Let it ride
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Pissed Off!
I'm sitting on my couch listening to some angry music. I tend to listen to music that suits my mood. Currently the angry music blasting from my stereo speakers is The Headstones first album Picture of Health.
Why am I pissed off? Because right now I feel like I've been betrayed by a friend. My friend Dan told me he would call me today to help him do some work renovating a bathroom. I was to be paid for this service, and to tell the truth, I could really use the money right now. I talked to him yesterday and was told that he would call me this morning. He never did. I know he's home because he lives two doors down and I can see his truck parked in front of his house.
The least the fucker could have done was call me to say that the job was cancelled, seeing as I booked the whole fucking day to do this goddam job.
Let this be a lesson to all of you....Never work for your friends. It almost always ends badly.
That's it for now.....
Why am I pissed off? Because right now I feel like I've been betrayed by a friend. My friend Dan told me he would call me today to help him do some work renovating a bathroom. I was to be paid for this service, and to tell the truth, I could really use the money right now. I talked to him yesterday and was told that he would call me this morning. He never did. I know he's home because he lives two doors down and I can see his truck parked in front of his house.
The least the fucker could have done was call me to say that the job was cancelled, seeing as I booked the whole fucking day to do this goddam job.
Let this be a lesson to all of you....Never work for your friends. It almost always ends badly.
That's it for now.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Finally!!!
Okay, so it has been a weird (and I mean weird in a good way) couple of weeks. In the last few weeks or so, I got engaged (this will be my second marriage) and I recieved my first ever acceptance letter. My zombie story "As in Life, So in Death" (Thanks to Kurt for the awesome title and to Bryan for help with the idea.) will be published in the March issue of SNM Horror Mag. Yes, I am aware that it is not a paying market and some professional writers may scoff saying that if it doesn't pay, it's not worth the time. However, seeing as I sent my first story away 15 years ago, I am just proud that an editor thought that my story was good enough to be published over others. To me, this is the first step to what will hopefully be a lucrative and career in writing horror fiction.
So, all in all, things seem to shaping up nicely. I still have one more story that's being considered and I have a few more in the works. My main goal is to finish work on my Book story which is a project I have going with a few other writers. I won't say too much about it now, but perhaps in the coming months I can share more about it. It's moving along at a quicker pace now, and I should be able to finish it by the weekend (tonight would be preferable, but I'll take what I can get.)
Also, recently I turned 29. The agreement I made with myself was that I would be published by the time I'm 30, and I reached that goal. It feels good when we reach the goals we had set for ourselves.
I've also been trying to do research for a story that I want to send away to a theme anthology that hasn't been going so well. If anyone can get me some info on the Appalachians, specifaclly in Nova Scotia, I would be eternally grateful. Enough to buy you a beer.
Okay, I've got writing to do so that's it for now.
Cheers,
Joe
So, all in all, things seem to shaping up nicely. I still have one more story that's being considered and I have a few more in the works. My main goal is to finish work on my Book story which is a project I have going with a few other writers. I won't say too much about it now, but perhaps in the coming months I can share more about it. It's moving along at a quicker pace now, and I should be able to finish it by the weekend (tonight would be preferable, but I'll take what I can get.)
Also, recently I turned 29. The agreement I made with myself was that I would be published by the time I'm 30, and I reached that goal. It feels good when we reach the goals we had set for ourselves.
I've also been trying to do research for a story that I want to send away to a theme anthology that hasn't been going so well. If anyone can get me some info on the Appalachians, specifaclly in Nova Scotia, I would be eternally grateful. Enough to buy you a beer.
Okay, I've got writing to do so that's it for now.
Cheers,
Joe
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Greedy Bastards
I have come to a conclusion over the past few years, one which has offended many people, but I still hold to the fact that I believe it's true. The theory is this: Everything any one of us does, relates back to our own greed or selfishness in some way, shape, or form.
Like I said, it's not very popular among people I've talked to over the past couple of years about it.
But, here's a prime example: On Saturday I was leaving a thrift store after buying some books that I found. Leaving at the same time, was an older lady who was having trouble getting to her car because of all the ice on the sidewalk. So, she asked me for help and I agreed. She took me by the arm and I led her to the driver side door of her car, and I even to her bag of purchases and put them in her trunk. I even overheard her make the comment, "There are still some nice people in the world." And I walked home from that store feeling pretty good about myself.
Now, I'd like to believe I did this because I'm a nice person and I just wanted to help out this nice lady. However, there is the lingering thought that I did simply to make myself feel good. Or, I did it so that I can tell people about it and look like a nice guy. Or, even I did it because I thought she might offer me a ride home, or some other type of reward for my gesture. I don't know for sure what my my true motives were, but if I did it simply to be nice, why am I advertising on my blog.
So, do you see my point here? I hear all the time about these rich guys who donate a ton of money to charity, and everyone goes around saying what great people they are. In my opinion, if they were such great people, they wouldn't be advertising what they were doing. They would donate anonymously so that no one would know. But, the fact that these people do know, makes me wonder what the true motives really are.
The man who jumps into a lake to save a drowning person, does he really care if they live or die? Or does he want his picture in the paper under the headline "Hero"?
This is something that has been on my mind lately, and I just thought I'd give anyone who reads this some food for thought.
Until next time,
Joe
Like I said, it's not very popular among people I've talked to over the past couple of years about it.
But, here's a prime example: On Saturday I was leaving a thrift store after buying some books that I found. Leaving at the same time, was an older lady who was having trouble getting to her car because of all the ice on the sidewalk. So, she asked me for help and I agreed. She took me by the arm and I led her to the driver side door of her car, and I even to her bag of purchases and put them in her trunk. I even overheard her make the comment, "There are still some nice people in the world." And I walked home from that store feeling pretty good about myself.
Now, I'd like to believe I did this because I'm a nice person and I just wanted to help out this nice lady. However, there is the lingering thought that I did simply to make myself feel good. Or, I did it so that I can tell people about it and look like a nice guy. Or, even I did it because I thought she might offer me a ride home, or some other type of reward for my gesture. I don't know for sure what my my true motives were, but if I did it simply to be nice, why am I advertising on my blog.
So, do you see my point here? I hear all the time about these rich guys who donate a ton of money to charity, and everyone goes around saying what great people they are. In my opinion, if they were such great people, they wouldn't be advertising what they were doing. They would donate anonymously so that no one would know. But, the fact that these people do know, makes me wonder what the true motives really are.
The man who jumps into a lake to save a drowning person, does he really care if they live or die? Or does he want his picture in the paper under the headline "Hero"?
This is something that has been on my mind lately, and I just thought I'd give anyone who reads this some food for thought.
Until next time,
Joe
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Bit Of An Update
Okay, as of yesterday, I am now one year older. I turned 29 and every year on my birthday, it becomes a time of reflection on what I have not accomplished with my life. I don't so this intentionally, it's just how it goes.
I had made a deal with myself two years ago that I would be published by the time I'm 30. I first began writing when I was very young and just learning how to write. I started sending stuff to be published when I was 15. Of course, by the age of 17 I was a cocaine addict and remained one until the age of 27. So there's ten years of writing nothing but shit under the influence of drugs. Which I hope is what accounted for the fact that everything I wrote was complete drivel.
Now that I am clean, going on 2 years, my output has been a lot better. I have a few stories currently being considered with different magazines and I am currently working on at least a few others. Plus, I am still working on my novel Hatred, but because of these stories, production on the book has been delayed temporarily.
There are a few other things going on in my life right now. One of them I am not allowed to say yet. But I will hopefully be able to tell everyone within a week or so.
But, the one bit of news I can tell you, is that so far, it looks like I'm going to be at CONtext this year. Writers such as Christopher Golden and Gary Braunbeck will be there, and I am stoked. This will be a good year for sure.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back in a day or two with a rant, because this is a good way to get my frustrations out.
Cheers,
Joe
I had made a deal with myself two years ago that I would be published by the time I'm 30. I first began writing when I was very young and just learning how to write. I started sending stuff to be published when I was 15. Of course, by the age of 17 I was a cocaine addict and remained one until the age of 27. So there's ten years of writing nothing but shit under the influence of drugs. Which I hope is what accounted for the fact that everything I wrote was complete drivel.
Now that I am clean, going on 2 years, my output has been a lot better. I have a few stories currently being considered with different magazines and I am currently working on at least a few others. Plus, I am still working on my novel Hatred, but because of these stories, production on the book has been delayed temporarily.
There are a few other things going on in my life right now. One of them I am not allowed to say yet. But I will hopefully be able to tell everyone within a week or so.
But, the one bit of news I can tell you, is that so far, it looks like I'm going to be at CONtext this year. Writers such as Christopher Golden and Gary Braunbeck will be there, and I am stoked. This will be a good year for sure.
Anyway, that's all for now. I'll be back in a day or two with a rant, because this is a good way to get my frustrations out.
Cheers,
Joe
Thursday, December 18, 2008
So, here I am in North Bay, Ontario. My home for 27 years of my life. Two of my children are downstairs right now playing while the other two are at school and will be here shortly. I can hear their voices as they interact with one another without trying to kill each other. I have had very little contact with my ex-wife so far. So, all should be right with the world.
But it's not.
I'm not here for a vacation. I'm here because of a crisis going on and I'm here to make sure my kids are okay, since it sort of involves them. I took a month off work to be here and I'm spending as much time with them as I can. I even went to church because they were there. That's how much I love my kids.
I won't go into detail about what the crisis is, since it is a bit of a personal matter, but it's not good. I heard about it on a Wednesday, booked my flight on a Thursday and was here on Friday. That's how serious i felt this was.
My wife couldn't come with me because of work obligations, so now she's alone for Christmas. I would normally miss her anyway, but the amount of support she is showing in regard to this situation makes me love her and miss her all that much more. I may not see her again until January, but I'm hoping it will be sooner than that.
It's great seeing the kids again and watching how much they've grown since I saw them last year. That's the one thing that sucks about living in Calgary. I don't get to see them nearly as much as I used to. But, unfortunately, there are no jobs in North Bay, so moving back here is not really an option at this point. I'm hoping one day the economic situation will improve enough that I will be able to.
But, anyway, I'm happy to home with my children. My being here is mostly because when I moved away I made a promise to them that if they ever needed me, I would be here for them no matter what. I am keeping that promise.
Until next time,
Cheers.
Joe
But it's not.
I'm not here for a vacation. I'm here because of a crisis going on and I'm here to make sure my kids are okay, since it sort of involves them. I took a month off work to be here and I'm spending as much time with them as I can. I even went to church because they were there. That's how much I love my kids.
I won't go into detail about what the crisis is, since it is a bit of a personal matter, but it's not good. I heard about it on a Wednesday, booked my flight on a Thursday and was here on Friday. That's how serious i felt this was.
My wife couldn't come with me because of work obligations, so now she's alone for Christmas. I would normally miss her anyway, but the amount of support she is showing in regard to this situation makes me love her and miss her all that much more. I may not see her again until January, but I'm hoping it will be sooner than that.
It's great seeing the kids again and watching how much they've grown since I saw them last year. That's the one thing that sucks about living in Calgary. I don't get to see them nearly as much as I used to. But, unfortunately, there are no jobs in North Bay, so moving back here is not really an option at this point. I'm hoping one day the economic situation will improve enough that I will be able to.
But, anyway, I'm happy to home with my children. My being here is mostly because when I moved away I made a promise to them that if they ever needed me, I would be here for them no matter what. I am keeping that promise.
Until next time,
Cheers.
Joe
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